resisting summer

In this depth of summer, there are seeds of winter that I plant as often as possible in my heart, my vision, my hopes. I remind myself that all the things I love and have lost - cardigans, blankets, tea, warm cake, reading by candelight, cold mornings in the holy dark - will return, they will return, and in the meanwhile I have memory and dreams to keep me going.




I can open my window to night winds. I can go out at the edges of the day, before the worst of the heat descends. This morning, I had to bring in laundry which I'd accidentally left on the line overnight. It was five o'clock and stars were still staining the cold dark sky. A waning moon swayed over the ocean. I knew that, within half an hour, the sky would crack open, splotching green with dawn, but for just a little while the whole world seemed quiet and calm. It had a winter kind of soul to it. And for just that little while I was entranced.




I am learning, at long last, to cope with summer not by accepting it and trying to adapt to it, but by knowing it is a trial I must endure, and gathering about me as much as possible the beautiful things which will give me strength, courage, and hope. The cold moments, the cardigan days, the stories of winter and whatever winds come my way. I think too often we are encouraged to accept difficulties - be grateful, be adaptive, get out of our comfort zone - but I prefer to embrace my sorrow as a valuable part of my self, resist what I do not want, and appreciate that my "comfort zone" is infact the ground of my authenticity.


3 comments:

  1. i love that you are a voice for all of us who have resented the "do something daily that scares you" mantra... i'm truly not at my best, let alone most productive, when i'm terrified or uncomfortable. and if i'm ok with that, if i refuse to feel inadequate or odd because of it, that seems pretty much like authenticity to me...

    also, i love that you are not a summer person. as a child, i used to wish that the school schedule could be changed so we could have the winter months off instead of summer ones, because i always found summer, just like school days, a thing to be endured rather than enjoyed. so i felt i might as well be languishing in school during those horrid summer days, even in my un-air-conditioned school! whereas the beautiful days of winter...those, in all their cold, grey glory i wanted to savor untrammeled.

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  2. That sky sounds so lovely. I wish to get up that early too, and go outside and look at the stars, the sleeping world.

    Somehow summers are a little less poetic, maybe that's why I also don't enjoy them as much as other people. I especially found them hard while living in California. I found the heat very difficult to deal with. While living there, winter was like summer to me with new things growing, and summer more like winter, when everything died under the hot sun :)

    Right now I'm sitting in the middle of winter with a blanket around me because of the chill coming through the walls.

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  3. I nodded my head continuously as I read each word... I so understand this.. and I love your take on it. I'm tired of trying to make the best of it. I will come back and read this again and again when summer rears its brutal head on this corner of the globe. Thank you for this, beautiful you.

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